because i'm doing a terrible job at this active academic thing. and i don't mean posting, because i'm doing fine with that! or the tagging - which is really fun. i mean with the actual life style: right now i am barely trying to be healthy. in fact the only thing that's saving me is that i'm actually too poor to do anything at all until i get paid again. so i can't eat out or buy any bad snacks.
like i said before, the stress of this job search and my potential stint of unemployment is really too much for me already. then i had a terrible phone conversation with my father about my "plans" that included a thinly veiled accusation that i am making bad choices in this job search follwed by a direct comment that i should just "pack up and move back home since i just obviously need more school in order to get a job". (i actually patched the whole thing with him up later in a clever way that, if i had a blog where it was appropriate to write about such things you can be guaranteed i'd have already told you about). anyway, that stress was not useful at ALL. then, in an odd twist i scored three interviews in three days and now, instead of being super happy (i gave each one about 5 minutes of excitement) i'm wringing my hands with worry over preparing and such. so, yeah, this is not fun right now and health is just last thing on my list, even though i know it should be first.
instead i am just eating what i feel like, pretty much when i feel like it. and i'm not exercising at all. and i don't care that much right now because i just want to be happy and not stressed and those things, those "healthy living" things just are too hard for me. oh, how i wish i was differently programmed! i wish when i was all antsy with worry i just had to go for a run at least 5 times a week. i wish i loved salads and wanted to treat myself to them when i was feeling crappy. i wish i hated alcohol and never "saw the appeal" of drinking.
but that's not me. instead, the only time i tried to actually be healthy and eat fruit this week turned out to be totally disgusting because after i hate half of a wonderful, juicy nectarine i pulled the pit out and discovered an ENTIRE LAYER OF NASTY MOLD all on the inside along where the pit was. yuck. i should have eaten potato chips instead. at least that way if i discovered that i had just eaten an unidentified fungus i'd be afraid of a food that was bad for me.
in addition to my astute observation that i'm eating crappy food and not burning any more calories than are necessary for performing basic bodily functions - i also realized the other day that my internal dialogue is incredibly unhealthy. for those of you who have read my old blogs - did you get that impression from my writing? i'm just curious. apparently IRL it's totally obvious. everyone who i've mentioned this too has basically said "no shit" or some equivalent. i came to this understanding by watching a friend of mine react to certain things in her life in a way that's totally foreign to me. when something bad happens - she gets mad because she deserves better. in a similar situation i usually get mad becuase i hate sucking so much. she thinks she's basically attractive and sometimes she admits she thinks she's hot. i definitely hate the way i look, top to bottom. i would say my eyes are ok, if they weren't sitting in my flabby, manly face. so yeah, not positive on the body image front. my friend thinks she's smart while i am constantly waiting for the day my boss (or in grad school, the admissions committee) and my friends find out i'm not nearly as intellegent as i somehow fooled them into thinking i am. (i should add that my friend does all this positive thinking crap without being pompous or obnoxious or condescending - she's very nice and likeable)
so all this is to say - i'm hard on myself normally, even if things are going well. nd now that i'm bigger than i've ever been before, i really really don't like myself. i wanted to change that and so i started blogging here hoping it would help. when i realized i'm going through a tough time i though i'd give myself a break and not be so fixated on change. but now that life/work stress is at an all out maximum, i don't have energy left to even care anymore about the other stuff. so i'm not making goals, i'm not being healthy, i'm not active - i'm just BLECH. and i feel bad for even presuming to organize the posts of all of these contributers who are trying so hard to make a plan and stick to it.
i would like to say that i think that soon, if i do actualy get a job, i could maybe go back. i could be one of you again, i really could! so don't kick me out, ok? i think i'm just going to invoke the "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all" maxim and not post here for a while. in the meantime, i'll still be around organizing and i'm available for questions via email. and i think, if i have enough energy, i'm going to try to learn to identify positive things in my life. maybe i'll even make a list!
Tags: Obstacles (sigh)
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7 comments:
I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I think ou should still post. One of the reasons for the blog is to support each other. Even though the purpose is to support each other on our fitness goals, being mentally and emotionally fit is also important.
Please email me if you want to talk!
Betty, if you drop out, I'll have to go with you. I haven't held myself to any of my goals, either: exercise, healthy meals, active days. I'm prety sure one diet soda is not going to cancel the carton of ice cream I've consumed this week.
I'm sorry you're under so much stress now. It makes sense you're in survival mode and you shouldn't fault yourself for just hanging on. Keep hanging with us, though; like SS said, we'll here for the support, in all its forms.
We all have times like that and it is completely reasonable for you to be stressed out and in survival mode.
What would make you happy(er) or calm(er) right now? Do that, maybe in moderation. Don't beat yourself up. Someone mentioned taking things one day at a time. That might be a good idea here.
I talk negatively to myself every time something goes wrong. But when I'm going about a "normal" day, do I feel stupid? Not really. Ugly? Well, I'm not at my best but I'm ok and I'm working on it.
If guilt about not working out/eating better is adding to your stress, maybe try something tiny? Eat two salads a week, or switch to frozen fruit bars instead of ice cream. Take a walk around the block while you're working out all these stressful things mentally.
Of course, keep writing.
Betty, are you my twin sister? I love my eyes, that's my best feature in my opinion. I hate how I look and thought I was the queen of negative self-talk, but sounds like you're giving me competition! I totally look poorly at negative situations "oh why did this happen, what did I mess up now, why is it always me?" instead of looking at it differently. I am in the job hunt process and am unemployed. after several long months I only landed 2 interviews and if I don't get one of these jobs I am screwed. Then I found out that one job might not be FT anymore. more suckiness. I did a little dance when I got the interviews, especially the one I have Monday, but then realized all the prepping I have to do. I went out last night and drank and smoked. Not very healthy. Been drinking pop instead of water.
You're not alone. hearing everything you wrote and realizing how someone else is going through almost the same thing as me is amazing. Thank you for the post.
I agree with everyone else--keep on posting, and we will be here to support you!
rented life - after our emailing today it sounds like we are, indeed, very similar. it's good to know others are feeling the same way.
and thanks everyone for the kind comments. i really do appreciate it. really do.
I think that you and I might have been separated at birth, too. Especially the internal dialogue part--I think, at this point, that that might be my single biggest problem.
Anyway. Just saying. I *so* relate.
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