i went to the doctor twice in the past two weeks (trying to squeeze in those visits before i'm temporarily uninsured). once was for my foot and then a week later (just thursday) i went for a general checkup. during the first visit they weighed me and, as usual, i groaned at them to not tell me and then shut my eyes as i stepped on the scaled. but then i accidentally opened them as i was stepping off and i saw that i now weigh *well* over 200 lbs. i can't exactly describe how i felt at that moment - but it was some mixture of shame (most acutely that the person weighing me saw the number, but also generic shame at being so fat) and also sadness, self-loathing and shock because i had no idea it was this bad.
i do not ever weigh myself. i don't own a scale. i've always said that this is because i'll obsess about the nubmers and it just seems like someone who worries about her body in much of her free time doesn't need one more negative thing to focus on. but lately i've also wondered whether this is also my way of avoiding reality. if i never weigh myself i'll never know how bad it really is. but this time i opened my eyes and there was the truth - the situation was much worse than i had ever imagined. the amount of work required to turn my life around had just increased significantly. and then the doctor said i had plantar fasciitis but ended the appointment with no suggestions for exercises that were safe/good for my foot. so i went home and read about PF online and found that one treatment is losing weight. "great" i thought, "i'm so fat my feet can't even hold me up anymore". it was really not a good moment for me.
i was too embarassed to tell any of my close friends what happened at the doctor's office and so i just kept my new peice of information to myself. the one thing i did to try and counteract how badly i was feeling about myself was to go shopping. i wound up buying some very pretty pants that were loose fitting and comfortable because i figured i might as well accept that i am not getting skinnier anytime soon.
ok, so - fast forward one week to my second doctor's visit. the nurse asked me how much i thought i weighed so she could set the scale. i protested and she urged me to make a guess (i thought this was weird but she had just mistaken me for a 19 year old so i was sort of momentarily pleased and therefore compliant). i told her that, sadly, i was over 200. she set the scale at 200 but when i stepped on and she started pushing the little counter-balance thing to the right something weird happened. it didn't level out. nothing happned. and then she looked at me and said "i knew it! you don't weigh over 200!". and, in fact, she reset the scale to 150, made a few adjustment and it was true. i totally weigh *something* that is significantly under 200 lbs. i almost melted on the floor with relief! and then, when she went to the computer to record my wieght she told me that i had actually lost 2 lbs from the last time i had been in. i know that's probably just water and not something to celebrate about - but at that moment it made me incredibly happy.
in retrospect i feel silly because the number i thought i saw in the first visit was about 50 pounds more than i actually weigh! 50 pounds!
reading rented life's post about perspective really spoke to me because, well, i guess i really have none. i mean, i believed that i was 50 pounds more than i really am because that's how ugly and bad i feel. yet when i tell other people about this (i'm now comfortable sharing this story) they are shocked that i could make such a mistake. i don't buy clothes that fit properly anymore because if they reveal my body shape at all then to me they look tight and i'm terrified of looking like i'm outgrowing my clothes. but later when i catch a look at myself in a window or in the bathroom mirror at work i see that baggy pants and loose shirts just make me look dumpy and fatter. this was further confirmed friday when i wore the one pair of jeans i have that are sort of fitted and people kept asking me if i lost weight. i have serious trouble dating because i can't understand why anyone would find me attractive. i think i am just so convinced no one will notice me that i don't bother to get interested in men anymore - why waste my time? more than a few times i have been so disconnected from this part of my life that i did not understood until it was too late that a guy was actually interested in me.
this post is taking me a long time to write. i'm not sure what i want to say right now except that i have been thinking about the perspective issue too, even before rented life wrote her post. i think that i tend to avoid concrete evidence of my physical size as a sort of coping mechanism. i don't like pictures, numbers on a scale or clothing sizes because they all provide a basis for comparisons between myself and others. without this basis i can always say that i feel fat today because i'm just in a bad mood or i have PMS or i just washed my jeans and everyone knows they are always tighter when you dry them in the dryer. a few weeks ago i'd have said that the numbers i am avoiding prove what i don't want to accept - that i am bigger than everyone i know, that i'm fat.
but now i understand that those numbers don't mean anything to me. i have no idea how the size of my body relates to the numbers on the scale. if the second nurse had told me i weighed 300 pounds i probably would have believed her and, of course, i'd have felt bad - i already do. yet i wasn't any happier a few years ago when my pants size was a few sizes smaller - i hated my body back then too. i felt fat then for the same reason i feel fat now - because i believe that i am bigger than almost everyone i know. that's it. in some cases i have hard evidence for this but in most cases it's just that i can tell - i'm bigger than them. there are very very few people i know who are essentially the same body type and size as me - and for these people i just assume that i am bigger than them because, well, honestly, that's how i feel.
i'm starting to think this willingness to draw conclusions on little or no evidence contributes to my utter and complete lack of perspective about whether or not i'm 'fat' and what the means about me (is fat bad? - maybe that's another post). and i think the lack of perspective (along with it's underlying cause) is something i need to work on - although i'm not sure what that would entail (weighing all my friends? shopping with them to find out their sizes?). i'm not sure what having a realistic view of myself would do for me - maybe i'd accept myself more and be a little less harsh when i talk to myself? maybe i'd be able to have fun more at parties and maybe i'd be able to date more or at least feel like someone who is dateable? maybe i'd make better clothing choices because i'd feel like i deserved to look good? would it make me more or less likely to try and lose weight?
ok i guess i can stop here. i'm not sure this is exactly what i wanted to say, but it's pretty close and will have to do for now since it's super late here.
tags: obstacles
Trying to balance academic life with a healthy lifestyle.
4 comments:
I'm thinking this was a tough post to write but thanks for sharing with us. Keeping some perspective when it comes to body issues is hard for me, too. Like you, I'm not sure what I need to knock some sense into me but I'm impressed that you're so open and honest with yourself about it. Thanks for the encouragement!
Seems like I picked a topic on everyone's mind. I don't know if my perspective is accurate when I do look at those pictures. It seems to be. I have definitely ignored the problem for a long time (at least a few years). And I won't measure myself for the same reason you won't weigh yourself..though after reading this post I feel inspired to, like I should. To see how bad it really is.
I avoid shopping for myself b/c I hate that I am two sizes bigger than two years ago, and even that is tight. I can't fully enjoy shopping with mom b/c in the dressing room I can see I am definitely larger (but thanks to youth, have better boobs :)
However I will say this: WEar clothes that fit you right. I bought a great pair of dark jeans from the gap, they are my actualy size and I feel better wearing them than any other pants. I found a pair of pants for teaching at Kohls--same deal. I don't want to present myself professionally with all my weight insecurities showing through. I love fashion and clothes and they're making (slowly) better clothes for larger women. Wearing something that looks good and I love regardless of my weight make me feel more confident. Another tip--find a good bra (measure under your boobs, and add five to that number. I don't remember how to find the cup size though.)My mom and I both found ones that fit us--it's comfortable, and it takes away attention from our stomachs.
There's lots of literature in communication/media/women studies that suggest that the messages out there have convinced us that fat is bad, in foods and on people.(although if you do your homework fat-free foods are not always healthier!)If you have free time, start reading The Body Project to start learning more about it. E-mail me and I can send you some other reading ideas (this is one of my fav topics!)
I am so glad we have a place where we can talk this openly. For a long time I couldn't handle anything b/c I felt like nobody else "got it". Sure family listens but then follow it up with "well you need to exercise? Are you lifting weights? You need to watch what you eat" And that's not what I need (sorry mom if you're reading this). Being able to talk and hear others, like you betty, is what I need. Thanks.
phd me - it was hard to write but not because i'm afraid to say these things. just because there is a lot going on realted to this and i'm just beginning to understand some of it now.
rented life - i like being able to post here too. when i left therapy i knew i was ok with the stuff that got me in there but i also knew there were other things that could be dealt with. they just didn't seem to be pressing issues. now i sometimes think i'd like to go back and work through some of this stuff with a professional. but this blog is great too.
i think you're right about wearing clothes that fit. i think i just don't have an easy time seeing what looks good on me. i had an incredibly hard time finding a shirt for my interview suit because every one i picked was "too big on me" according to the sales people. but when i wore what they like i felt so ugly and fat that i was physically uncomfortable. and sadly, i have very small breasts which i feel accentuates my spare tire. *sigh*
i have actually read the body project - many years ago when i was in college. maybe i should read it again. thanks for the suggestion and thanks for saying that you identify. it's nice to know i'm not the only one who feels this way (well, i suppose i knew it all along but this is confirmation).
Thanks for posting this wonderful post. Even though it was tough to write, I get the sense that it was very cathartic as well.
One of the things that has helped me with the clothing dilemma is to dress the size that I am, rather than resort to baggy clothing. There are many tricks to the trade for looking fab at you current size, like wide leg pants and structured jackets. (Can you tell I am a What Not To Wear fan?)
I am glad too that we have this forum to share are ups and downs, fear and hopes.
Post a Comment