In addition to giving me a place to blog (yay!), thanks to this blog I am thinking a lot more about my health in a more productive way. Before I started posting here thinking about my health basically consisted of lots of abusive self talk about how fat, lazy, ugly and lame I was.
I'm not saying I don't do that now. In fact (this might be a kind of long aside, but I'm writing it anyway since this is my only blog now - so sue me, ok?) the other day I wore some pants to work that I didn't really like but they were light and summery and, well, I just won't wear shorts and it's hotter than the 9th circle of hell here these days so that was basically my only good option. I usually just pretend I'm invisible when I'm wearing something I don't like and even though I'm normally sociable, I'll just ignore people on those days and hope they didn't look at me. But this particular day when I was walking in to lab I walked past a lab mate. He saw me and said hi and then I just felt incredibly sad because he saw me in my ugly pants that I know they make me look bad. And if I already look bad without the pants, well - it just wasn't a good day. It's not a guy thing either - I wouldn't get up to talk to a woman I work with later becuase she always looked cute and I looked like a fat, dumpy clown. And then to top it off that night at Target I saw a guy I hadn't seen in a while and I WAS WEARING THE PANTS still (of course) and ALL I could think about while we were talking is that he'd think I'd really let myself go or something. I was so embarrassed.
Anyway, so it's thoughts like this that I want to have less frequently. When I write here I feel like I can't just always complain (do I always complain? Becuase if I do you guys had better tell me and I'll try to curb it, really). So instead I write about what I'm struggling with and why and that's incredibly useful. I never actually worked through these things before. For example - yesterday I went out to lunch with an old friend. This wasn't in my plan for the week because I forgot about it. When I arrived, I chose a grilled chicken sandwich but, because I don't like potato salad or coleslaw, I wound up choosing fries as a side. The old betty would just feel like a total fat, ugly, greedy failure for doing that. AND I'd have probably eaten all the fries. Instead, even as I was ordering the fries I was thinkg about why I was doing that. And I realized that I look at ordering a healthy food as Deprivation and Punishment. And I managed to only eat half the fries, which is better than nothing I think.
Then this morning as I was telling myself I really HAVE to stick to my plan and go to the gym I wondered why it's so freaking hard to just DO IT. Then I read B*'s comment about thinking about exercise as punishment and I realized that I feel the same way - even when I like the exercise.
Now I realize that I look at both healty food AND working out as Deprivation and Puhnishment. A useful insight, no? Anyway - even though I'm not totally meeting all my goals, this blog is helping me because just blogging here where everyone is supportive and focused on healthy choices is making me think more positively some of the time. Now I'm committed to exploring why I feel so negatively about something that's clearly good for me. And I'm committed to finding ways to change.
And I'm still trying to be good for the rest of the week, a la New Kid! I think I can do it.
Tags: Obstacles
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I have some clothes that made me feel awful. I'm a poor grad student, but I got some money and gift cards for my birthday and got things that I think make me look good. At least, as good as I can. I put the "fat" clothes away and don't wear them. It wasn't worth wrecking my day.
I used to hate working out, but now I see it as the perfect excuse to zone out and think about nothing. I get to listen to good music, watch terrible tv and I do it guilt free because I'm also working out!
Amen, Honeybee. I wish the gym I go to most often had TVs!
Betty, can you take solace in the fact that men don't usually notice, much less remember your clothes? :)
Thanks for saying that you related to what I was saying. :)
I think only eating half of the fries is an awesome idea. You get some fries, but not too much of them!
Cheers for only eating half of the fries. Moderation is the key!
I have the same issue with clothes - lots of clothes that don't fit right anymore but I wear them anyway. Then I feel ugly and fat wearing those clothes. This summer I decided to give myself a (big) amount of money to buy clothes that fit and look good. I'm teaching in the fall (in addition to my regular postdoc salary) and I'll be on the job market so that's how I justify giving myself $ to spend. Anyway, I decided I'd treat myself better if I felt better. And I think it works - I want to look good in my new clothes (only bought 3 things so far) so I'm more conscious of eating healthy. Maybe new, better fitting clothes can be your reward for reaching goals.
Honeybee & apparently - I think my problem might be bad because when I buy nice clothes I feel ok in the store and then at work or around friedns I feel like a fraud. I just don't feel comfortable in anyting but my jeans. I totally need to be on What Not to Wear.
Ianqui, that's a good point. Boys probably don't care, especially these two particular ones. I'll try to keep that in mind.
Post a Comment