If you haven't already read Shrinky Kitten's post about disentangling body image and sense of self, I highly recommend it. I have thought a lot about how insecurity of many forms takes up far too much cognitive and emotional load in my life and doesn't leave me with enough energy to care for and attend to my work and family and personal life. I like the idea of working on developing a more positive sense of self in the process of trying to improve my health.
The mantra suggested by Shrinky is the following: "Fuck it. This is what I look like."*
Essentially, while we are taking steps to take care of ourselves, we also would benefit from accepting ourselves as we are. We must look at ourselves in real time, but work not to berate ourselves and emotionally abuse ourselves. Maybe we're not up to telling ourselves that we are beautiful, but we might be up to telling ourselves that we are what we are right now, and that's okay.
Working on accepting my current reality has been an important step for me in a part of my personal journey lately -- while I go through my divorce. It's hard to forgive myself for hurting someone close to me in order to make a step in the direction of self care and get out of a relationship that caused far too much pain. It's been hard to get into doing my work some days (particularly this past winter, but some days lately, too) because I've been too depressed. I've been learning to accept my emotions for what they are, be honest with myself about exactly what I want (whether it's to be divorced or to lie around and watch movies), and let myself be as I need to be.
It's interesting to think about taking an attitude I've developed for another part of my life and using it to develop a more positive self image with respect to my appearance.
As I commented on Shrinky's blog, the mantra she suggested reminded me of the phrase that the cooks on Bravo TV's Top Chef used to say constantly: "It is what it is." They would say this when they were stressed about not having the right ingredients or when they were disappointed in how their dish turned out. They said, "It is what it is," to accept their reality for what it was.
So I refuse to hide my body this summer. Fuck it, this is what I look like. If I want to swim at the beach, I will. And I have two beach trips this summer -- one in the Pacific and one in the Atlantic -- and I want to enjoy them, no matter what my weight.
This is going to be hard for me, because I am at my heaviest weight ever. I am 5'4" and I now weigh 160 lbs. I had to buy size 14 shorts for the first time in my life. I'm scared of having to eventually shop in the Women's sizes section. Yet I am not ready to make too many changes to my lifestyle yet. I feel like I'm going through a major life transition with my divorce and that is zapping away my energy and willingness to have self-discipline. Is that an excuse? I am not sure. But it is what it is.
I wonder about the same things that Sheepish wondered about in the comments to Shrinky's post. What is the balance between accepting yourself as you are and pushing yourself forward?
*Rarely do I drop an F-bomb, but it seems appropriate in this case.
Tag: Healthy Habits
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3 comments:
Yes and yes.
I have to say that, because my extra weight is concentrated around my torso and I have always had a penchant for loose tops and leggings, it wasn't so much the way I looked that got me determined to start losing. It was that I am so freakin' uncomfortable right now and have been for several months.
Having said that, though, my determination went up several notches when I noticed that my face was looking more and more like my mother, who is thirty years older than me.
Still, I definitely did not let myself be shamed into not wearing a bathing suit on my last vacation. In fact, I have been throwing shorts over my bathing suits to go walking so that - with my strong sunscreen - I could lose more of my winter pallor. If anyone driving, biking or walking by is grossed out by the blubber hanging out (because I refuse to buy hardly any new clothes, much less bathing suits which rarely get worn), then that is their problem.
So, yes, I will not be ashamed of the fact I am overweight. Right now, this is what I look like.
But, yes, I want to feel better and I will be glad to get back anywhere near what I was a little over a year ago (before I stopped smoking), only 10 pounds overweight.
And let me tell you, the difference a few weeks of walking makes is like a miracle. Although my weight is still going up and down and my net loss is almost nonexistent, I still look better than I did, and can walk twice as far, than when I first started. It's amazing. Plus, it's such a wonderful way of relaxing.
Enough about me. :) The most important thing I have to contribute is a link that may keep a lot of people from shooting themselves in the feet when it comes to exercise. It seems there actually is such a thing as working too hard. I hope this information is helpful.
Rebecca
I admire your confidence and notion of self-worth. As much as I try to say things like that to myself--and believe them--there is that little voice, you know, the awkward teenager with zits and fat, that won't leave me alone.
I hope to get to a point where I am truly comfortable in my own skin, and can love that skin, and me, without question.
lovely post. And I think it's good advice, too. The truth is we all have to figure out our own balance between pushing and accepting, so there's no clear pat answer on that. I know that sucks.
I kept journals fairly religiously when I was at my heaviest, and it surprises me now to read them because I was so obsessed with my weight. Not a day went by without at least a mention of it in some form. Some very exciting things were going on in my life, and all I could think about was the extra 35 (or so) pounds!
The irony is, when that stage of my life ended and I started focusing on transition, a good deal of the weight faded away, maybe in part because of the fact that I wasn't focusing on it so much. I was focusing on getting a job and paying rent. But that's just a hypothesis.
The thing about obsessing is that once I was done obsessing about the weight, and a lot came off, I started obsessing about other "flaws" in my body. This is the part when Shrinky's advice comes in handy.
Now if only I could internalize it.
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