WOW. You look amazing!

“WOW. You look amazing!”

This is what I fully expect to hear at least 20 times as we pass through western cities where family and friends live on our way to Western State University (WSU). And no, those people will not be referring to me. They will be commenting on the amazing transformation of Husband. It has been four years since we have seen many of these people. And four years since Husband defended his dissertation as we frantically moved across the country. They remember the overweight guy who was extremely stressed and looked closer to 38 than 28 at the time. He looks amazingly different today.

It is only natural that they should comment on the fact that he is now 32 and looks 28. At age 30, he went through a transformation. He shed nearly 20% of his body weight. He decided to relish the fact that he won the male genetic lottery with his full set of wavy hair by growing it out some. The bags have disappeared with the help of some sleep and a little less stress. With my helping hand, he now chooses a little nicer wardrobe rather than the grunge look of the early/mid nineties he acquired in high school/undergrad and kept around through the poor graduate school years. Today, he looks young and hip. He may not ever be gorgeous by societies’ standards, but I know he’s one of the better looking professors at the large state university he teaches at. He gets more “but you don’t look old enough to be a professor” comments today than he did 4 years ago.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the new look. I fell in love with a good looking man with a great mind. And now he looks great and feels great about himself. And I’m pleased as punch to have everyone think my husband looks great. What’s not to love? Well, I’ve become a bit used to the look as it has been a gradual transformation and one I’ve seen most steps of the way. It always comes as a bit of a shock to be reminded of this amazing transformation. And there always a tinge of regret (or jealousy?) that they aren’t saying that about me.

We have similar academic backgrounds although completely differing strengths/weakness and research interests. Consequently, we made a very specific effort to take professional competition out of the marriage. We both have strong personalities but have managed to find a communication style with each other that works 95% of the time. All these things that could have been pit falls, I saw coming. And we worked at them. And 7 years later, they are fine. But I never saw the weight/looks things coming. I would have laughed if you would have suggested such a thing as me being jealous of his looks when we married 5 years ago.

I met Husband 2 weeks before my 19th birthday. I was in the best shape of my life and for the first time in several years, I was not starving myself. I was a solid size 2-4, dancing 5 hours a week, eating well. And I looked hot. Hot enough, I’ve been told, that when the grad students in this male dominated department were looking over class rosters, it was a toss up whether I’d be mentioned for my looks, smarts, or very young age for an upperclassman. But, invariably, all three came up. Husband and I met in the classroom… he was teaching my last required course in my major (a fact I’ve yet to disclose on my personal blog for a variety of reasons). After the course was done, he asked if he could take me out. I accepted, knowing I wouldn’t ever need to take another course from him again and never thinking anything long term would come of it. He was older than anyone I had dated in the past, I was returning home for the summer, I had no intention of settling down. There were a thousand reasons for it to only be one or two nice nights out. But over the next year, we fell in love. Soon, we married, I rushed through a masters program while he finished the dissertation, we moved across the country. And along came 35 lbs worth of self doubt for me while he shed a similar amount.

Our eating habits together have always been a little bit of a difficulty. I’m a breakfast, lunch, small dinner (maybe skip it if I’ve had a huge lunch) type of gal who is up in the morning and in bed by 10. I cannot function without breakfast. He is a coffee as the only thing in his mouth before noon, mid sized lunch and huge dinner while staying up until 2 personality. I find myself unable to diet around him. We like eating (and eating out… we have that celebration=food problem) together. Most every night, we make dinner together… it is our time to catch up, connect. And then I feel I ought to eat it. All of it. Which, can really screw up my day of decent eating behavior if I’ve already eaten a large breakfast and lunch. Does anyone else have/had this problem?

I hate to admit it because it seems so shallow and gender biased (and something I would never admit to anyone in real life), but I am not ok with not being the good looking one in the relationship. Now, if Husband were here, he would say I am great to look at and being way to harsh on myself. But it bothers me. A lot.

So there you go. I’m not sure I can really change a great deal of it, and I’m not really sure I have much more to say, but at least I’ve admitted it to someone other than myself.